ode to...er...uh...Steve Simmons...

Steve Simmons is a sports writer I follow thanks in part to his columns on canoe slam sports and his appearances on TSN's the reporters.

He is the proto-typical crazy sportswriter - i.e. lots of energy, lots of passion, and lots of need for attention. Think Stephen A. Smith without the conservative racial arguments. Or Mike Lupica without the logic. In an era of talking heads competing over noise, shock, and, thereby, attention, it seems the crazier the sportswriter the greater the job security.

Like all of these guys, Simmons is the sort of uncomfortable guy who deep down lacks confidence in his skills. This doubt fuels his need to natter on and on, and make him somewhat repellent. I can't see industry people seeking out his opinion on a topic let alone sitting next to him at a game. You can just see it in the reactions of Damien Cox and Michael Farber to Simmons' comments on TSN's The Reporters - a sort of Brian Fantana "take it easy, Champ. why don't you stop talking for a while" moment.

In spite of his short-comings, Simmons loves to stir the pot of the Toronto media market. At press conferences, he is the one asking long-winded questions that are one part indictment and one part shameless self plug, but always damning. He knows the angle of the story before he writes it, and is seeking any in by the subject to make it work.

Many other sportswriters clearly have been in the biz too long. For them, it is a job. It gives them a paycheque. It gets them into the games they once loved. They report, but they don't really care what they are saying. Facts or not, Simmons loves what he says and deeply believes in his statements...well, until a week after they are published. He is committed mainly because he wants to initially agitate; if the information changes after the fact, he ignores his missteps, changes his position, and condemns someone else. Better still, he holds people accountable to their previous decisions - and even their decisions they should have made as he is the master of the "if only" statement.

His writing is a mix of the negative and the positive of the sports world told through simple arguments and assumed reader knowledge. Even better, every Sunday he writes a column of his underdeveloped thoughts and rambling on a variety of timely topics, hodgepodged together without real coherence or reference to the topic itself.

And yes, i never miss it.

With this as my inspiration, here is my ode to a Steve Simmons Sunday sports column.


THIS AND THAT
Daniel Alfredsson playing the point on Ottawa's powerplay was the coup of the season. Well, that was before using a pylon-esque stick check on a breaking Jason Pominville to try and save their season. Maybe forwards aren't always supposed to play defence...if Roberto Luongo gets his preferred free agent contract this offseason, he will make more than Cam Ward, Vesa Toskala, and Ilya Bryzgalov combined...NHL Players in the Olympics only seems to work if Canada wins gold...Brian Burke is the sort of results-based, take-charge leader that would never work if he had to report to someone else or a board or a pension plan or a construction magnate or a...The media believes Albert Pujols is apparently underrated and is not receiving enough publicity for his 19 home runs thus far. I guess no one in the media has a Fantasy Baseball Team. In fantasy leagues, Pujols is Christ-like...Mitch Albon and Mike Lupica declare that Bonds passing Ruth is insignificant because he would still only be in second place, and the rest of the media follows suit. Well, if Ruth is so insignificant, why does an Amazon search reveal 167 books on his life?... Steve Downie's unpenaltized spear to the ball sac of Ryan Martinelli and the rash of other bad calls by the referees in the Peterborough-London OHL series robbed fans of three more great games between these two great teams. The OHL should be ashamed...Who thought the Dallas Mavericks would play tougher and grittier ball than the Spurs and Pistons thus far in the playoffs?

HEAR AND THERE
At this point in his career, Daniel Alfredsson is not a hall-of-famer. Based on his playoff playing style, I don't think he wants to be....Flip Murray is cheap. Larry Hughes is not. And who is more valuable to the success of the Cleveland Cavaliers?..Mark Cuban criticizes NBA refereeing and is fined $200,000. Given the whistles his team got in games two and three which led to two wins for the Mavericks, only Tobacco and Firearms lobbyists have a better record in America...Dustin Penner is as physical a force as Todd Bertuzzi only with greater upside...Toronto FC: i don't get it...In a league that lacks enforcers like Charles Oakley and offers referee-based protection to stars , LeBron James is able to talk trash to Gilbert Arenas at the foul line to get in his head...We reward parity in the NFL so that all teams have a chance to win. We reward team dynasties in the NBA so that the best teams can advance and meet in the playoffs. This season, the NHL ends up with the parity thing in the Western Conference, and the dynasty thing in the Eastern Conference, and they are criticized for both outcomes...Steve McNair is more important to the immediate future of the Tennessee Titans than Vince Young, and Jeff Fisher knows it...If reports are true, Larry Brown will now be paid more to stop coaching than he was to actually coach in his career. James Dolan couldn't float a couple million more to get rid of the architect of this problem, Isiah Thomas.

SCENE AND HEARD
In surprising unanimity, the Toronto media has anointed Paul Maurice as a quality head coach. Not in so far as he has a winning record or a history of success. Bryan Coangelo and J.P. Riccardi are also "quality" sports guys who lack a history of success in these roles. Maybe it really is all about appearances...Ryan Smyth has more lost teeth than points in the series with the Sharks...Barry Bonds in a Yankees uniform makes more and more sense with every deep fly-out to his glove and from his bat...Rick Adelman balances a team around the egos of Bonzi Wells and Ron Artest and turns them into a late-season juggernaut. Perhaps his post-coaching career will be in something in peace negotiations...Zach Randolph for Kenyon Martin is one headache for another, and if I was Carmelo, i would be disappointed...Ray Emery, Daniel Alfredsson and any other hyped-up Senator didn't single-handedly lose the series. Simply, the Buffalo Sabres won because they were the more talented team. Believe it or not, teams can win series without the aid of an other team's scapegoat...Ottawa might have laid down against Buffalo, but Colorado didn't show up against Anaheim...Attention please: Steve Nash is playing defence...The dismissal of Joey Harrington by the Lions partially absolves Steve Mariucci of blame since it was he that said Joey didn't fit before last season...I guess if Brett Favre and his one championship can take nearly four months to decide to play another season, Steve Yzerman and his three Cups deserves the same time and more.

AND ANOTHER THING
Suddenly, the effort-level of Kobe Bryant is as predictable as Vince Carter but not nearly as bad as the grievance-filing Detroit Lions...Wayne Gretzky may have been wrong for leaving Eric Staal off the Canadian Olympic team, but Don Waddell was dead wrong for leaving Ryan Miller off the US Olympic team...LeBron James at 21 is better than Michael Jordan at 21. Is there any chance that the media will let LeBron develop without this constant reminder?...Perhaps the questions around Joe Thornton in the playoffs were also traded from Boston...Mike James wants to go to Houston. Please don't take Chris Bosh with you...What happens to Ricky Williams contract with the Miami Dolphins if he plays for the Toronto Argonauts and is injured? Do they then demand his signing bonus back?...The downfall of the Detroit Pistons might just be rooted in the trading of Carlos Arroyo and Darko Milicic...Despite no other Toronto teams playing, the Jays attracted only 18,611 fans on Monday night to see ace Roy Halladay throw a four-hitter. Toronto is a sports town as much as Ottawa is a friendly one...nine years after eliminating the Senators from the playoffs on the ice, Dominik Hasek did it this time from behind the bench...Steve Nash is everything the world hopes for, while Barry Bonds is everything the world currently is...and whatever happened to Bruce Gardiner?